I'm so sick of writing the frigging book I could kill someone, so I've decided to go back to the beginning and start editing.

So I have an editing wall.

( I also have pictures of this editing wall )

You guys, I had to tape the post-its to the wall because they wouldn't stick :( WHY ARE FAIL!POST-ITS???

I hate my novel and I want to delete the entire thing. I have for days. WTF self WTF.

48,479 / 50,000 (97.0%)

I'm so fucking close to the end, and I don't even care because it's shit and I hate it. :(

38,465 / 50,000 (76.9%)

I really wanted to hit 40,000 today and now I feel like a failure :( Self, why are you so crazy? wtf.

A long, long time ago, I think when she was the age I am now, hearts_blood (I think) told me that she would write a first draft, and then throw it out and start all over again for the second draft. I know that Anne Lamott says something similar in Bird By Bird, but damned if I remember what section it's in.

I think I finally get that now. It's, what? Four? Five years later? And I'm finally not going "But... I don't want to write a first draft; I want to get it all out wonderfully on the first go and then have people tell me how brilliant I am".

Well, I mean, I am! In fact, that's the entire point of this post. I'm having trouble writing my NaNo (stfu just because I'm wicked far ahead of everyone else doesn't mean I can't have trouble douchebags >:( I bet you're the same people who think rich people don't have problems, okay.) because I keep realizing what complete and utter shit it is. There are some bits I don't mind, but on the whole, it's shit.

Shit shit shit.

And it's really damn disheartening to sit there going "Wow, the whole infection thing? Totally not going properly. My pacing sucks. There's no way this would be spread out over weeks like I have it; it would be spread out over days. Jesus. People wouldn't react this way; what am I doing? WTF? I should just quit now, because this is such a shitty piece of shitfuck that I'll never be able to turn it into anything good because I suck balls as a writer. Shitfuck shit."

I mean, in case you were wondering what I really am thinking. Cussing and all.

Except... that's stupid. This isn't the be all and end all, this is nothing more than a rough skeleton. Hell, not even that. NaNo is a pile of bones. It's the shitty first draft. I don't have to worry about getting the bones in order and a skeleton built, never mind fret about fleshing it out.

I think, this is maybe where a lot of teenie fic writers get caught up. They can't imagine that there's anything beyond that "LoLoLoL I ROTE THIS AT 2AM ON A SUGAR HIIIIIIIIIIGH AHAHAHAHA R/R PLZZZZZZZ" stage where everything just blurts out onto the page, despite being told over and over by good writers that there's a point to drafts. So they get to a point where they can look at their writing and go "...that's shit", but never figure out how to get past that.

Because they're stupid and think first drafts have to be perfect.

NOT THAT I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, MIND.

Anyway, it's time for zombies to eat the fuck out of people. Later gators.

I suddenly understand why people have outlines and shit D: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TO GET THEM FROM C TO D.

D: FUCK.